Creating the Guest List for Your Wedding

As many have told us, Erin and I are working pretty quickly through our wedding planning list. We already have a venue, a photographer, a DJ, color schemes, and some other odds and ends. The thing we are a bit stuck on right now is the guest list. Perhaps it’s a bit taboo to talk about this since we are still making it, but it’s a very important task and a possible big point of conflict, and not just between you and your fiancee.

Both Erin and I have a pretty big list of people we’d like to invite. In a perfect world, we would invite everyone we’ve ever met. However, seeing as cost of the wedding is directly proportional to how many people you invite, that just isn’t possible.

Some people are no-brainers: immediate family, most extended family, friends we hang out with on a daily basis, and life-long friends. Then there are the big questions we need to ask. Some things that have come up for us (NOTE: we haven’t finalized our guest list yet).

Plus Ones. Before I started planning a wedding, I figured plus ones in most cases were a given. I mean, it’s a pretty common trope in pop culture (where weddings are involved). However, those plus ones can add up (1+1+1+1…) and really make the cost of a wedding skyrocket. On top of cost (I promise it’s not all about cost), this could lead to more drama (she’s bringing who? That guy is a jerk!).

There are some questions to be asked here: Does everyone get one? What about just spouses? What if we gave no one a plus one? After going through a bunch of different combinations, we decided to go with this: “If the invitee is in a committed relationship at the time we send out invites, he/she gets a plus one.” This assures that significant others get to come and that girl your cousin just met 2 days ago doesn’t.

Children. Here’s the harsh truth: venues charge per-plate and even the kids rate (those under 21) is pricey. Both of our families also have a lot of children that we’d love to invite but for a number of reasons it might not be feasible; this goes beyond cost into logistics – seating, meal accommodations, etc. At this point, we are thinking 18 or older, unless the kids are involved in the wedding ceremony (ring bearer, flower girls, presenting the gifts…).

Friends of our Parents. It’s traditional for the parents to invite their friends to the weddings of their children as well, and it’s no different for us. All of our parents have friends and family they’d like to see and share the day with. I recommend you do what we are doing: invite whomever the parents want. They are your parents for pete’s sake! I would like to stress the “want” part though. If my parents suggest inviting someone that they don’t really want there, I would ask them to reconsider, but ultimately I will do what they request.

The ‘Maybe’ Friends. This is the hardest category for us. These are people we probably spent a lot of time with at one point, but have grown apart or haven’t spoken to them in a while, or maybe speak to them regularly but we are still on the fence about them. Again, I’d like to invite everyone I know, but it’s not possible. This is where the hard decisions come. There are people who are assuming they are getting an invite to your wedding that you might not be inviting. Feelings will probably get hurt here, but such is life. We aren’t 100% sure what we are doing yet, but I recommend asking these questions:

1. Do we really want them at our wedding?
2. When was the last time we actually spoke to them?
3. When was the last time we really hung out with them?
4. Why are we considering them?

If you answer the last question with something like: they invited me to theirs, I am inviting their close friend, or I feel like I should, it might be worth taking them off the guest list. The important thing to remember is this: it’s your wedding. Do what you want to do. If anyone complains or gets upset forget them, especially if they know what it’s like to plan a wedding.

One thing to steer clear of is this: Most of the time you’ll have a 20-30% rate of people who RSVP ‘not attending’, and you can probably make some educated guesses on who will RSVP that way. Don’t do that. Assume everyone you invite is saying yes. It will make things easier moving forward.

On B Lists

Another common practice is to have a B List – those people who didn’t make the first cut, but will get invited as others RSVP no. We are both a bit on the fence about a B List. We sort-of-kind-of have one, but I’m not so sure we’ll actually implement it.

Like I said earlier, this might be the hardest thing for us (or me at least). We know a lot of people, and I want them all to come and have a good time. But there are a bunch of reasons that make that very difficult or even unfeasible. I think the most important thing to remember, and this is something I need to keep reminding myself, is: Most people will understand. Those invited will have a great time no matter what, and those not invited will understand that it’s nothing personal. And if they get mad at you, they probably weren’t worth inviting anyway.