Randy Pausch’s View of Self-Esteem

I’m currently reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, a very influential computer scientist who passed away over the summer due to cancer. I’m about 100 pages in and wanted to comment on his football coach and his view on Self-Esteem.

There’s a lot of talk today about giving children self-esteem. It’s not something you can give; it’s something they have to build. Coach Graham worked in a no-coddling zone.

These are words that really ring true with me. I find too many times today that kids are getting coddled. Hell, adults get coddled too. Anytime we withhold something in fear of offending, we are coddling. People don’t know how take criticism- they see it as an attack, or as “you’re being too mean.” Really, they are trying to help you become a better person. The reason I am the way I am today is because my parents didn’t coddle me. Yes, they spoiled me. But I knew my place. And when my homework was crap, or my grades were crap, or I played like crap, they made sure I knew it. But you know what? That made the times when I made them proud so much better, because I knew I worked hard to do it, and it showed. That’s how I gained self-esteem.

If I had grown up thinking everything I did was good enough, I guarantee that I would not be where I am today. And that’s something I fear for younger generations. Randy laments in that chapter that Coach Graham- an old school guy who pushed his kids to the limit- would never survive today because parents coddle their kids too much. And that’s a shame.

He knew there was really only one way to teach kids how to develop [self-esteem]: You give them something they can’t do, they work hard until they find they can do it, and you just keep repeating the process.

That sounds like the kind of leadership we need with our kids today. I feel the idea of hard work is quickly dying because kids are taught that what they do is good enough. My parents, Coach Graham, and Randy Pausch knew what kids needed- let’s hope more people follow their lead.